Once again, the Macalope is forced by the bad wind of chance that made him an Apple expert to fill out a poll of public opinion on Apple products, but this time, at least, there’s a twist.
Yes, Piper Sandler (formerly Piper Jaffray, formerly US Bancorp Piper Jaffray, formerly George B. Lane, Commercial Paper and Collateral Loans & Co. (no, seriously) is back with their “Taking Stock With Teens” survey, a collection of hot crap that may or may not have been performed by Steve Buscemi, we just don’t know.
Their results may surprise you. According to the company, teens fondly know as The Pipe (maybe, who knows?), an amazing 87 percent of teens in the US now own an iPhone! Yes, you read that right: EIGHT-SEVEN PERCENT.
Although you read it right, it is almost certain not Turn right. The Macalope has no doubt that Piper Sandler (THE PIPE!) found it, but there’s a problem with their investigations. First of all, Apple has been a customer of Piper Sandler in the past. The Macalope would be skeptical of a report from a firm that had Meta or Samsung or, I don’t know, Sauron as a customer, so it’s only fair to be skeptical about this. More importantly, however, Piper’s surveys always omit low-income teens. Hey, the financial markets tend to omit low-income adults, so why wouldn’t surveys conducted by financial services firms omit low-income teens? For consistency.
Seriously, they are already low income and you are going to reject them in your survey? The Macalope would say that’s worse, but then they had to stop talking to whoever replaced Gene Munster.
The survey also claims that 31 percent of teens (read: the teens important to Piper Sandler) own an Apple Watch. That may seem high too, but to the Macalope, it says there are wealthy parents who don’t love Tiffany and Trent as much as they claim.
The Macalope has no doubts that the iPhone and Watch are “hella” popular with teens, as teens absolutely don’t say these days. (But teens used to say “hello,” and that’s what matters.) Just not as popular as Piper Sandler would have us believe. The iPhone’s popularity among teens is pretty funny, because it wasn’t that long ago that we were told that Apple was the brand of older people, and teens absolutely loved Samsung and the Microsoft Surface.
No, really, in the early years of the last decade, there was a whole cottage industry set up to tell us that Apple was done with teens. Teens said “Nuh-UH-uh!” to iPhones and iPads and get… [checks notes]… Surfaces. Look, teenagers just love Excel.
Which brings us to a note for parents. Parents, more and more kids are experimenting with spreadsheets these days. Is your kid experimenting with spreadsheets? Here’s a helpful primer on how to determine if your child is texting their friends about using spreadsheets.
WTF – Wow, that financial data! ICYMI – I calculate annual missed income LOL – Overseeing obligations FML – Format multiple ledgers
Talk to your kids. Don’t let them get into a dangerous lifestyle.
Okay, is Apple bombing teens? Obviously not. Do 9 out of 10 teens have an iPhone? Uh, doubtful. But is Apple doing well with them? Yes. We can probably say that.